when do you know you haved "moved on"...

How do you know when is it time to move on ? My wife, who is soon going to be my "ex-wife" calls me, talks about how she has moved on with her life and i realise how she subconsciously lies to herself and me, the pain and the anguish in her voice is so evident.. all the alcohol, the smokes, the night outs, newer friends cannot heal the pain..but yes, she cries out that she HAS moved on..how do you know that you have...... if she has, why am i unable to see it...what am i missing here... I was told I don't understand, truly I dont..I've always been a little slow,... can someone show me some light...

There is this guy I know, had a steady girl friend, well, the story is 10 years old. almost married her, well, they broke up, he turned into a sex addict...he claims happiness, he says he has found it in the drift, he has probably slept with more women than he can count, he says he has moved on..where is the stability he set out for..has he moved on or is he going to come crashing one day when he realises that he does not have a wife a family...he was so ready for it 10 years ago? has he moved on or am i unable to see the change....

This other girl, broke up with her boy friend years ago, still meet once in a while, makes out and makes love when they both urge for it..why did they break up, is this how they deal with their pain..have they moved on... or why does she claim that she has..... they cant meet anybody new, they don't want each other, they don't want anyone else either..they cant live with themselves, they cant live with each other, they cannot live without each other....where is the " I have moved on".. i cant see it, or i am not able to see what they have figured out for themselves..

This other woman, hope, swears, and promises to herself that she will never ever call him again, every time the phone rings, she hopes it is him, and once in a while when it is him, tears roll down her cheeks, they talk for hours, the phone dies, and then they get back to their world of " life goes on", back in their loneliness, the momentary joy has left behind hordes of expectations that they cant keep. They know they met their forks months ago and the roads divided and they will never meet again.. when does one move on...or will their road merge ever again or do they want it to merge....what i am not seeing that they are...

i have met more strangers in the past two months of my life than i have ever before, made futile conversations, cracked jokes, discussed politics, coffees, dinners. why do i still feel lonely, why, am i not able to move on, why am i not able to take to a newer road.. why can't i even claim that "I have" like my soon to be "ex-wife", why can't I go on a sexual binge, why am I holding back, why cant I work out something convenient, why am I not able to see the end of the road or just plain accept it or just hitch a ride to a newer place....
why am i not able to move on..or when does one know that he or she has moved on... when does one get out of the hiding and acknowledge that the "current moving on" is some sort of a mask, that we are not willing to take off.. or when the mask is off, how do we know we have taken to the newer street. Is it when, when i find myself mindlessly working, or sleeping with a new girl every night, is when i don't look forward to the phone call, is it when i can make a conversation with someone and feel whole...
when will i be able to sleep with myself and not feel lonely, when will i look at the sunset and will not have the void in my heart that it needn't be shared with someone else. when will I not " need somebody to love", when will I not have the urge to be loved....

when will i sleep with myself, like i did before i grew up into a man.... when will i move on....

The story of two faces....

As i dip my head back in the water, two images shine before my eyes. Unfortunately, both represent the past. One, a recent past, which makes me sad that it is over, it sends a rush of blood into my chest, a desire, a hope, that it never ended. This is a past i want to stay back in, a past of glorious silence, mesmerising beauty, the calm abyss, the vista of the hills, water, and the"mind-shot" of the countless stars. The unending emerald blue and green of the seas, the colours underneath the surface, the glory of the rains, all the love showered ( literally ) by Sam and Frodo the Retrievers, all of this represented by, one soft, tender, empathetic deep blue eyes, "ONE FACE".
And, I cant have any of this, but, what i am forced into, as i wait for my delayed flight to take off is a past, which i don't want. Whoever said, life doesn't repeat itself. I see myself walking into one. The gloom of my broken marriage, the mundane repetition of the day to day life. The long never ending ( used to be my refugee) work. Hordes of faces, the anticipated visit to the lawyer, the cry, the wallows, weeps, pretentious laughter's and the beginning of the end. or should the say the END of the beginning.
All of these thoughts rush to my head, causing pain, sadness, and churns my stomach, it fills up my eyes. The irony of all this misery is, it is represented by these wonderful light brown eyes, the most beautiful face i have ever seen. The face i care about the most in this whole wide world. the touch i crave for. the voice I'd die to hear, but, not today, today i want to end it. Well, not that i have a choice, let me rephrase, today, it is the end i need to accept. It is the end I need to live with. This is the past that i am heading back too.
As i wait and hope for the flight to "not" take off. I am in pain for two pasts, one i am walking away from and the one i am walking into.
Two faces, two sides to the same coin, one of a dreamy surreal future that i cannot have and the other of an ended, broken dream. And, this explains why i kept running to this dream, I kept asking myself "why was i trying to catch a bubble", it was an anguished momentary attempt to catch a of breath of air. It was a swim away from the other to a mirage of a shore.
Now, i need to duck my head back into the waters and continue to swim, to a shore that i don't see. The Horizon is all water and, with hopelessness i will swim, with two faces in my head and in my heart.
I see the deep blue eyes and the light brown eyes in the horizon, i don't belong to either of them. I don't know where the current is dragging me, will i drown, will i survive, do i even want to survive, will i see the shore ever again. I raise my head look at the two faces, swallow the lump in my throat, and, duck my head back into the water....

Prayers that get answered

I had this nasty fight with my wife, walked out in a huff, well! did i tell you it was sunday evening. I decided to go to church, cursing and grinding my teeth at the plight of my life. I hated every moment. Scowling at every passerby, the auto's and the call centre cabs were easy targets. well there wasn't any way i would be pleased.
My heart was pounding, a searing pain through my chest, i was begining to wonder if my heart was failing on me. "Hang on", i told myself, i am 31 how could i get a heart attack, i wasn't sweating, there was no radiating pain on my left hand. I wasn't happy, i really did not want to live.
I reached the church late, the priest was on with his Sermon, not a word sank in. I was lost in my thoughts. I mass was winding down. I was praying, but, i can't remember what i was asking for, i guess i was asking for peace of mind, i was asking to be heard. I was asking to be understood, and i was asking to be loved and consoled.

I said, "send me a sign", and the choir was at it, some familar song, that my school teacher had taught us, i never sing, don't know why i hummed that tune, and flash there it was - "Make me a channel of your peace, where there is hatered let be bring your love, where there is injury your pardon lord, ....... Oh, master grant that i may never seek, to be consoled than to console, to be understood than to understand, and to love you with all my soul. I froze, felt at peace..

A sudden surge of calmness covered me and i was filled with patience...ran to my car, picked up the phone and quickly sent a message apologising, and i meant it from the bottom of my heart, no conditons applied.

I was back to where i started, i had always believed life works itself out and I knew it will, and thats exactly what happened the next day.

The solution to my problem - was right there, my parents walked to my room, told me what i should do, i only needed to let my gaurd down and see it, on any other day i would have just refused to, but not today. As they walked out of the room,but i knew the answer was lying next door, i became sad. I was trying to solve this for so long, for as long as i can remember, i lost my battle, felt very limp, and miserable.

But, i had to see the light, my prayers of yesterday, answered. I had to just see it, and what i wanted was right there, all i stood for was restored, actually it had never fallen apart, i had asked for answers, it comes in varoius forms, with a little twist, you just have to have the calmness of the mind to see it...

Amsterdam - city beyond - wine, women and weed..

look beyond the red light district, ignore the coffee shops and walk walk past the pubs.. walk to a square, or an obsure street.. i promise you will find something so interesting, you will stop by and gaze in amazment and hold your breath.. here's one of those moments. makes you wonder, did back street boys actually beat this guy to the top..

The world must learn, oil is dearer, the roads can't get broader, obesity is a curse ... take a step back to leap a couple forward.

its back to the cylce's... have you heard of the "big yellow cycle".. well, its time..

You can buy the replica's on the streets, look near the district, or just take the train, head to the country...well, go as far as you are not a tourist; indiactor - english will not get you food, signs and smiles will, you can throw the replica in the closest canal and capture the aura of the real mills in your senses... for take aways - try a picture, trust me, its only half as beatuiful..

The writing is on the wall.

I was indeed very lucky to be around that night, the enitre city was awake, all the musuems are opened until dawn breaks. On one my adventures, i walked into this hall, young movie makers questioning every protocol, every convention, questioning cliche's that needed answers a few decades ago, making statement which we still shy away from, well in amsterdam - you can ask, you can debate, and you can walk to the bar, which,btw, is in surrounding... during one of those walks down the stairs i saw one such claim...........

What is travel without hanging out with the local's, met this young lady at the botanically garden, on the "all night" musuem night, I introduced her to some india cha, she introduced me to the city, what better way than a bicycle ride, well i had to pedal.

I shall steal a line from a friend - lesser the people, lesser money - travel is more fulfilling. Thank you fluuer for showing me a city beyond women, wine and weed..